Writer’s Rant
March 25, 2025
“Time to Go”
So much commotion and noise surrounded him. Yet it was calm and serene. They were signs of life that now overshadowed the silence of the last three days. It had been quiet. Too quiet, except for a few overheard mournful sighs. He welcomed this transition, but it was not mutually shared. The adults surrounding him were a worrisome bunch. Their concerns were for him and the behaviors of the young ones which they mistakenly saw as flippant and near sacrilegious. They just couldn’t understand.
He remained in his chair; the overstuffed recliner, armrests now shorn by the sedentary life of the elder. He loved this chair which had aged gracefully along with them. And she allowed it, knowing that it would stay as long as he did. It was the one thing that would stay with him; that he could hold onto, until that moment when neither he nor it had a need for each other.
He watched as the littlest ones scurried about, playing games of old which he was now reassured they knew; he would have played too, back when he was more agile. But that was long ago, and so he pondered for a moment how they knew these games. He concluded that these, too, had been passed on from one generation to the next. Not an endowment; simply a remembrance by their own progeny which they had shared. Such a simple thing really, but it’s importance to them would not be realized for years to come. Probably when they have reached this stage and looked upon their own grandchildren.
His thoughts returned to her as they always did. Even today, he thought of her in the present tense. There was only one time that he didn’t, and that was many years before. It was the day she simply said “Time to go.” And then she was gone.
He had caused it. In his insecurity, he needed to know that she loved him; that she could love him. It was an irrational thought really. They hadn’t known each other long and had only been dating a few times. But from the moment he had met her, he knew she was the one. He knew because that had never happened to him before. He had dated a fair number of women in his early adulthood, but none stirred his passions like she did.
He was overeager and made, so he believed, a fatal error. He had said those three little, but powerful words. Just as the titanic hit the iceberg and began to sink into the dark waters, so it was in this fleeting moment. A mistake had been made. It was too soon. Nothing was said between them now in that awkward, revealing moment. All he saw was confusion and inquietude in her expression as she turned and walked away. So sudden; she was gone. It was his deepest fear; a despair that would haunt him, knowing he had spoiled his best chance for the one who could be the love of his life. He returned to his humble abode. He was down for the count. But only until her phone message revealed herself to him. It simply said “I could love you.” Never again would she leave him, until now. This was the present and that was the past.
He stirred in his chair, lost in his thoughts, as he knocked the cane from the armrest onto the floor. A tall handsome man approached and retrieved it for him. “Hey Dad” he said, gently placing the cane back to it’s rightful place. “How are you doing?” He looked up at his son and smiled. Always been a handsome lad he thought to himself. In his later years, he never looked upon himself as handsome, so he never took credit for his son’s suave appearance. But he had his father’s once curly blonde hair and blue eyes; enough resemblance to satisfy them both.
“I’m good” he simply responded and stretched his hand out to his son. “Help me up, would you?”
“Sure dad.” They were soon standing side-by-side and others noticed the mirror image of a man and his son, so alike in manor and appearance. Only their age separated them.
The elder, now clutching his cane and letting go of his progeny, spoke. “Thank you son. I appreciate you.” He wanted to say more. Why were those three simple words that came so easily long ago, so hard to say now? It was his son. He had a right to say it. He used to say it long ago when he was just a lad. He couldn’t remember when he stopped saying it or why. It’s a strange world that finds such comforting words, uncomfortable. It was now or never. As he contemplated those three little words, his eyes welled up with tears. And then he said it. “I love you son.”
His son was surprised, but only for a brief moment. Then he reached for his father, wrapping his strong arms around him, and whispered in his ear. “I love you too dad.” It was not a secret to be hidden from those who witnessed the embrace. It was a sacred intimate moment that only they could share. When they finally disengaged, he looked as his son, only to see a single tear run down his face.
“Well….I’m a little tired” the elder began and I think I’ll go upstairs and rest.”
“OK dad. I’ll let the others know. Is it OK if I give you a call tomorrow….you know…just to see how you’re doing?”
He simply smiled and nodded. Such a good son he thought to himself and walked to the stairs. As he began up the stairwell, his son moved to the bottom of the steps. It was more to reassure himself than his father. He would be there, just in case.
The elder opened the bedroom door. This was the room where they had spent a third of their life; some of it awake, some not. This was where they had first made love and each of their three children had been conceived. He dreaded the sense of loneliness that was about to devour him. This was the first time he would lay in the bed since she left him. For two nights, he had simply laid down on the living room couch and tried to sleep. His children accepted it without question or concern. This was a time of transition and adjustment.
The room was dark and he reached for the light switch which turned on the bedside lamp. He hated ceiling lights; simply too bright and intense. His eyes were light sensitive and much better suited to the soft ambiance of the lamp. As his eyes focused, he was startled by what lay before him. She was there, in all her radiant beauty, waiting for him. He moved ever so slowly toward the bed, in disbelief, until she patted the bed where he always lay beside her. Could this be real he thought to himself. He turned briefly away as he laid his cane against the night stand and slowly removed his shoes. Turning back toward the bed, he fully expected the apparition to be gone. But she wasn’t. She patted the bed once more, inviting him to her side.
He had never in their many years together refused the invitation and he climbed into the bed and lay on his back next her. She move closer to him and lay her head on his chest. He could see the top of her head raise and lower ever so slightly, in rhythm with the air entering and leaving his lungs. He ran his fingers through her hair as he used to do, but now for reassurance that she was really there. It was wavy and felt like fine silk. It was the auburn color that he remembered from years ago. It all felt so real and he needed more proof that she was really there with him at that moment. Perhaps if he spoke to her….but what to say? “Why did you leave?” he simply asked.
She turned her head slightly so as to see his face. “It was time to go.”
“You didn’t have to…”
“It wasn’t my choice.”
His expression turned to one of doubt. But it was time to speak of other things. “There are a lot of people down there. They’re all here for you. They love you.”
“Hm….” She sighed softly and didn’t say more, so he continued.
He chuckled. “The grandchildren don’t seem phased by it….your leaving I mean.”
“It’s better that way.”
“Maybe. You know, I haven’t slept here since you left.”
“I knew you would come, eventually. “
“How did you know? “
She simply shrugged. “Because I’ve been waiting for you.”
He thought for awhile before continuing. “Do you remember the first night we spent here together?”
“Of course.”
“Nothing more to say about that?” he smiled.
It was her turn for whimsy. “You learned.”
He feigned surprise. “What do you mean? Was I not a good lover?”
“You became a wonderful lover. But you couldn’t be a good lover until you were in love. And wasn’t I your one and only love?”
“Fair enough” he conceded. “But I need to know why you left? You said you would never leave me again.”
“I told you. It wasn’t my choice.”
They lay in silence for awhile and he thought about their son. ” I told him I loved him.”
“It’s been awhile” she confirmed.
He agreed. “He told me he loved me back.”
She looked up to his face again, with loving eyes and smile. “You’ve done well.”
“We both did” he countered.
“Maybe…but it shouldn’t be so hard for a man to tell his son that he loves him.” He didn’t have a response to this. “You brought that out in him; something he will always remember.”
“Hm….I guess so. So, what now?”
She smiled again and spoke the other three words they had come to know. “Time to go.”
“Will you wait for me?”
But there was no response this time. She had left him again. It all came rushing back to him now….that love for her that was so deep. He couldn’t….no wouldn’t let her go. At least, not alone. So at that moment, he closed his eyes and took one last breath as he reached for her. “Time to go” he whispered to himself.
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